A few days ago a legend passed away. Robing Williams took his own life. He did it in a way the speaks of only ending, not a half assed attempt. When one sits with a belt around their neck and leans into it, choking ones self..... it is even more brutal than pulling a trigger. I would imagine your mind is at war with your body. You want this done, you have made this decision and your body is going to fight and run on instinct to breath and survive. If you swallow a bullet you are done. It is pretty much instant. I feel for his family, and I grieve his loss... but I seriously hurt for him. The loneliness and the sorrow he must have felt.
I am manic depressive. It is a real illness and I take meds and I try and keep it in check. The older I get the harder it is. If I miss a day or two of meds now I can easily go off the deep end. I joke about my happy pills and "warn" folks when I am off my meds for what ever reason. They laugh it off but some know it is not a laughing matter. I am normally a very happy person. Full of rainbows and sunshine and try and be the light of everyone around me. But deep down there is a sadness that never goes away. I feel alone. Alone with a very capital "A". Even when I know those around me care and have my back and that I am loved... I feel this way. I can't explain it. I never really even thought about it in depth until this week.
On the other side of the coin I am pissed.... People are so judgmental, as they sit their on their high horses. "How could he do that, he had everything?" "Why did people leave him alone if he was at rock bottom?" "How could he be so selfish?" and so on. I felt like screaming at the women at my daughters school yesterday. "I am so glad you have never been in that dark place... but FUCK YOU" I have swallowed a bottle of pills before... in a full house with 3 adults home. Guess what.... if any of them read this it will be news to them. You can be the funniest man in the world... most caring and loving and happy on the outside and hide the broken bits under it all.
I have lost a few friends to suicide. Yes it is hard... and it hurts. But I will never question their decisions. Sometimes a soul is tired and it needs to go home. I don't see it much different from someone with a physical illness that is just done fighting. They are tired of trying to hold on and tired of being in constant pain. I remember the last conversations I had with both my Dad and my Grandpa. Both of them made the same comment...but my Dad's was more pronounced in our conversation. Dad stopped for a few seconds and all of a sudden sighed and said " I am so tired." It wasn't the kind of tired sleep could fix.. His body and soul were beaten down. He was a broken man and he was done. When I saw so many missed calls that one morning, I knew he was gone. I knew he was free. I think the problem with suicide is the shock. It is so unexpected and such an explosion of emotions unlike most other deaths. You don't blame yourself for a car accident you weren't involved in or when someone with a terminal illness dies. There isn't the huge amounts of "what ifs" and "coulda, shouldas". Plus there is the factor that this is a decision made by one person, regardless of how others feel. It is selfish and self destructive and taboo. There are religions that preach at it's wrongness. But for some, it is the only answer.
I could go on and on... but my shift is ending here soon. I have been off my meds for two days because I have not had the time to run by and pick them up and yes, I am on the edge tonight. But I will go home and have a good cry or maybe even just a needed laugh and tomorrow I will get up again. My soul is not tired, yet.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
The Taste of Possibilities
It has been a long while since I last wrote and I am sorry for that. I feel like whenever I do write it is because of some huge event or some sort of drama. Today... I write because my heart is happy and my mind is clear. But that is how one should write, isn't it? So here I sit with my happy little self at my new job, waiting for all the blue hairs to finish setting up for bingo.
Bingo you say? Yes... I said Bingo. I am now part timing it at the local VFW snack bar while the Hens and the ship hat wearing Roosters quietly play bingo. It is nothing like the Catholic church Bingo games I went to with my grandma. Where women chain smoked and rang bells while little troll dolls looked on in amusement. A place where when "BINGO" was yelled it was like New Years at Times Square. Here you can hear a pin drop at any given moment and "BINGO" is a polite whisper and a raised hand. But they have cute bingo bags and the markers have little disco balls on top. Who doesn't love sparkly things!?!
It is a fun little gig. The Roosters ( named so since there is one man for every 6-7 hens, and they strut around like they own the place) love coming up and talking to me ( and apparently one likes making pinching motions when I walk by) and the Hens ( little short, round old ladies who slowly walk around and then nest in rows) are all happy with the changes I have made so far. It is a long way from where I want it to be but between the other woman and myself we will get it there. The hardest part right now is figuring out which groups like what and keeping it hot and ready. But the 4 1/2 hours a day I work, about 2 of those hours I am sitting around doing nothing. There will be many a book read, I foresee.
Another change, job wise for me is I am now officially Key Person at my School. Key Person is a fancy term for Assistant Manager. I will hold the fort down when BettyLou isn't there and learn from all her wisdom. So that one day, I too can run my own little crew. I am excited to finally get recognition for what I do. Ever since I was 15 I have co managed most places I have worked, or done more work than most with out the credit. With this promotion comes more hours and a nice raise. Maybe I can start to pull out of this hole I have gotten comfortable in and start getting things done. The only down side is that I start back to the school tomorrow and have to be in East BumbleFart at 7am. Not looking forward to that. But in two weeks it will be the norm again.
August 4th is the first day of school. I am actually looking forward to taking the girls back to school shopping and getting everything ready. They have decided the things that they can't live with out and some of the things they want. Apple has her heart set on a pair of white patent leather Doc Martens and some dreads. Bug has decided on fire red hair and HAS to have these acid wash jean/sweatpants things. I love seeing how their style evolves and the women they are becoming. They are so much alike but each their own person, and they stand true to who they are. That is rare for their age.
App also starts back to ballet that week and it almost wasn't an option. She got the go ahead to start pointe this year and thus has to take 2 classes. Regular ballet and pointe. Not being able to secure a part time job over the summer and no word on the promotion I knew making the now doubled tuition was going to be a problem. Even with the extra money coming in now it will be hard. But one morning I awoke with the bright idea to start a go fund me page for her. I calculated her tuition, recital costs and the cost for supplies and made that my goal. I figured if I could get enough for at least her shoes I could try and scrape the first month of tuition up. Never in a million years did I think we would raise $800! It was enough to drop $200 on shoes for both classes, a leotard that fits AND she likes and new tights. The rest will be going onto her tuition account and is enough to pay for 5 months. By then I should be back on my feet..
So life is good right now. I really can't complain. Have enough faith and the pieces will fall into place. The next few weeks are going to be crazy while I try and find the balance of it all but the payoff will be worth it. And come on... anyone who knows me knows I am happiest with a certain amount of crazy going on in my life. Peace out for now. Hugs!
Bingo you say? Yes... I said Bingo. I am now part timing it at the local VFW snack bar while the Hens and the ship hat wearing Roosters quietly play bingo. It is nothing like the Catholic church Bingo games I went to with my grandma. Where women chain smoked and rang bells while little troll dolls looked on in amusement. A place where when "BINGO" was yelled it was like New Years at Times Square. Here you can hear a pin drop at any given moment and "BINGO" is a polite whisper and a raised hand. But they have cute bingo bags and the markers have little disco balls on top. Who doesn't love sparkly things!?!
It is a fun little gig. The Roosters ( named so since there is one man for every 6-7 hens, and they strut around like they own the place) love coming up and talking to me ( and apparently one likes making pinching motions when I walk by) and the Hens ( little short, round old ladies who slowly walk around and then nest in rows) are all happy with the changes I have made so far. It is a long way from where I want it to be but between the other woman and myself we will get it there. The hardest part right now is figuring out which groups like what and keeping it hot and ready. But the 4 1/2 hours a day I work, about 2 of those hours I am sitting around doing nothing. There will be many a book read, I foresee.
Another change, job wise for me is I am now officially Key Person at my School. Key Person is a fancy term for Assistant Manager. I will hold the fort down when BettyLou isn't there and learn from all her wisdom. So that one day, I too can run my own little crew. I am excited to finally get recognition for what I do. Ever since I was 15 I have co managed most places I have worked, or done more work than most with out the credit. With this promotion comes more hours and a nice raise. Maybe I can start to pull out of this hole I have gotten comfortable in and start getting things done. The only down side is that I start back to the school tomorrow and have to be in East BumbleFart at 7am. Not looking forward to that. But in two weeks it will be the norm again.
August 4th is the first day of school. I am actually looking forward to taking the girls back to school shopping and getting everything ready. They have decided the things that they can't live with out and some of the things they want. Apple has her heart set on a pair of white patent leather Doc Martens and some dreads. Bug has decided on fire red hair and HAS to have these acid wash jean/sweatpants things. I love seeing how their style evolves and the women they are becoming. They are so much alike but each their own person, and they stand true to who they are. That is rare for their age.
App also starts back to ballet that week and it almost wasn't an option. She got the go ahead to start pointe this year and thus has to take 2 classes. Regular ballet and pointe. Not being able to secure a part time job over the summer and no word on the promotion I knew making the now doubled tuition was going to be a problem. Even with the extra money coming in now it will be hard. But one morning I awoke with the bright idea to start a go fund me page for her. I calculated her tuition, recital costs and the cost for supplies and made that my goal. I figured if I could get enough for at least her shoes I could try and scrape the first month of tuition up. Never in a million years did I think we would raise $800! It was enough to drop $200 on shoes for both classes, a leotard that fits AND she likes and new tights. The rest will be going onto her tuition account and is enough to pay for 5 months. By then I should be back on my feet..
So life is good right now. I really can't complain. Have enough faith and the pieces will fall into place. The next few weeks are going to be crazy while I try and find the balance of it all but the payoff will be worth it. And come on... anyone who knows me knows I am happiest with a certain amount of crazy going on in my life. Peace out for now. Hugs!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Goosed at Cool Beans
Okay.. this whole blogging every day. Yup, not doing so hot. but today I am throwing the topics out the window and just writing.
My mind has been occupied the past week. My brother had brain surgery on Tuesday and I am been thinking about him constantly. I went and saw him at the hospital yesterday and while he looked good I know he was absolutely miserable. All I could think was I wish I could swap places with him. I have been down the surgery/trauma road so much I am an old hat. But everyone needs to go through stuff and for a reason. Yadda Yadda. Right now all I want is for him to be all better and healthy again.
Apple is being very observant through out this whole thing because she knows it could very well be the boat she is in one day, since she has Arnold Chiari Malformation ( ACM ) also. App has quietly brought up questions and concerns. She knows that she leads a very active lifestyle and that could cause problems. In the coming weeks we will see if her old DR takes her insurance and set up an appointment if they think we should. If they find she is still the same and all it does is put her mind at ease then it is not a waste of time.
Today is Thursday and as usual I am sitting in the coffee shop next to App's dance school writ8ing and people watching. As I was chatting with Barista Lady and ordering my uber awesome chocolate on chocolate brownie with chocolate chips and drizzled with chocolate, and my tea, a woman passed by me with a blood hound. She looked like she just spent all day hiking in Tennessee or something. As they walk by, the dog took a sniff at my boots, that I haven't worn in about a year and then all of a sudden I had a cold wet nose up between my butt and my hoo ha! I squeaked and the barista busts out laughing to which the woman responds to her, not me mind you, "Oh I am sorry. He is a police dog in training and doing passes to look for a girl." Barista Lady responds "She's not up her butt!" I don't think Hiker Woman realized what happened. But EVERYONE else in the place did when Barista Lady announced to her co worker I was goosed by the "officer". The tea was on the house today.
Apple Jacks will be done in a few so I think I shall sign off here. Tomorrow we are going to go visit BroMan and then 3 day weekend!!! Furniture building will be happening on Monday and I can't wait!!! Pictures will happen.
My mind has been occupied the past week. My brother had brain surgery on Tuesday and I am been thinking about him constantly. I went and saw him at the hospital yesterday and while he looked good I know he was absolutely miserable. All I could think was I wish I could swap places with him. I have been down the surgery/trauma road so much I am an old hat. But everyone needs to go through stuff and for a reason. Yadda Yadda. Right now all I want is for him to be all better and healthy again.
Apple is being very observant through out this whole thing because she knows it could very well be the boat she is in one day, since she has Arnold Chiari Malformation ( ACM ) also. App has quietly brought up questions and concerns. She knows that she leads a very active lifestyle and that could cause problems. In the coming weeks we will see if her old DR takes her insurance and set up an appointment if they think we should. If they find she is still the same and all it does is put her mind at ease then it is not a waste of time.
Today is Thursday and as usual I am sitting in the coffee shop next to App's dance school writ8ing and people watching. As I was chatting with Barista Lady and ordering my uber awesome chocolate on chocolate brownie with chocolate chips and drizzled with chocolate, and my tea, a woman passed by me with a blood hound. She looked like she just spent all day hiking in Tennessee or something. As they walk by, the dog took a sniff at my boots, that I haven't worn in about a year and then all of a sudden I had a cold wet nose up between my butt and my hoo ha! I squeaked and the barista busts out laughing to which the woman responds to her, not me mind you, "Oh I am sorry. He is a police dog in training and doing passes to look for a girl." Barista Lady responds "She's not up her butt!" I don't think Hiker Woman realized what happened. But EVERYONE else in the place did when Barista Lady announced to her co worker I was goosed by the "officer". The tea was on the house today.
Apple Jacks will be done in a few so I think I shall sign off here. Tomorrow we are going to go visit BroMan and then 3 day weekend!!! Furniture building will be happening on Monday and I can't wait!!! Pictures will happen.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Practical Magic
Opps... I missed 2 days. I could list a host of great and honest excuses but I won't. I have been busy but really, I am busy every day. I shall now move forward with the next topic.
* The Meaning Behind My Blog Name *
I went around and around for days trying to figure out a name. How can I sum up me in just a few words and have it be *cool*? I have seen blog names that were witty and catchy and when you are the one trying to figure it out you draw a flipping blank. Days... yes days, I wrote down this and that ( remember I do like lists! ) and bounced quirky jumbles of words around in my head. But it took looking for a movie and coming across one of my favorites for two words to stick. And thus "Practical Magic" happened.
I love the movie. The romance, the story line, the perfectly cast characters and the house. Oh Lord I love that house. But the title sums up me pretty well, also. I believe in the magic of the world. As a Pagan I believe that there is power in the words we use and our actions. There is energy in plants and minerals and every breath we take. People are born with gifts and there are spirits around us. At the same time, I know that I can not make myself look younger with a potion or conjure up the winning lotto numbers. There is an order to the magic. A creed of Harm None and a belief that you are given exactly what you need and no more. Like when times get tough and I find myself in a bit of financial difficulty I pray and believe. I always end up with just what I need to take care of myself and my family. I believe that in a case such as that, the money has to come from somewhere. To give to me could mean taking away from someone else who needs it more.
Everything I do is a bit like that. I see the magic in my job, my home life and the relationships I have. I appreciate the joys and the highs but am aware of the lows and the sorrows. I know that not every day is going to be all rainbows and unicorns. Take my Friday for example. Started out fine and between accident traffic while taking Bug to school, a ticket on the way back to work and Apple missing the bus, it was a wonderful morning. Accidents happen, I deserved the ticket and App got to school with out any issues. Shit happens and you move on. If I had focused on the crappity crap I could have destroyed my whole day. But I got back to work and moved forward. I am too positive to let the darkness in.
And there you have it... each blog I write is a glimpse into my magical little world.
* The Meaning Behind My Blog Name *
I went around and around for days trying to figure out a name. How can I sum up me in just a few words and have it be *cool*? I have seen blog names that were witty and catchy and when you are the one trying to figure it out you draw a flipping blank. Days... yes days, I wrote down this and that ( remember I do like lists! ) and bounced quirky jumbles of words around in my head. But it took looking for a movie and coming across one of my favorites for two words to stick. And thus "Practical Magic" happened.
I love the movie. The romance, the story line, the perfectly cast characters and the house. Oh Lord I love that house. But the title sums up me pretty well, also. I believe in the magic of the world. As a Pagan I believe that there is power in the words we use and our actions. There is energy in plants and minerals and every breath we take. People are born with gifts and there are spirits around us. At the same time, I know that I can not make myself look younger with a potion or conjure up the winning lotto numbers. There is an order to the magic. A creed of Harm None and a belief that you are given exactly what you need and no more. Like when times get tough and I find myself in a bit of financial difficulty I pray and believe. I always end up with just what I need to take care of myself and my family. I believe that in a case such as that, the money has to come from somewhere. To give to me could mean taking away from someone else who needs it more.
Everything I do is a bit like that. I see the magic in my job, my home life and the relationships I have. I appreciate the joys and the highs but am aware of the lows and the sorrows. I know that not every day is going to be all rainbows and unicorns. Take my Friday for example. Started out fine and between accident traffic while taking Bug to school, a ticket on the way back to work and Apple missing the bus, it was a wonderful morning. Accidents happen, I deserved the ticket and App got to school with out any issues. Shit happens and you move on. If I had focused on the crappity crap I could have destroyed my whole day. But I got back to work and moved forward. I am too positive to let the darkness in.
And there you have it... each blog I write is a glimpse into my magical little world.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Shooting Rabbits
I need to make some changes... something everyone says at the beginning of every year. But really, even if it were August I would be saying this and doing this. I have never been one to start a diet on Monday or Christmas knitting by, well Christmas. So today I start making changes. Like losing the 20 lbs I have put on and writing more. The 2nd being way more important. I have found an old 30 day blogging challenge list and I am going to try and stick to it. Some of the topics are a bit corny and whatnot, but it will get my brain working and I can go from there. Tidbits for my 3 followers to read. :)
Todays topic is 10 Random Facts about Me.
Here goes nothing.
Fact 1: I love lists.... I will write to do lists and follow them. I write shopping lists and Christmas cards lists. Lists for my bills each month and my cheque book is always balanced. They always have to be neat too. I think because in this day and age we don't handwrite things as much and it is a reminder that I am still human. It also puts order in my ever chaotic life.
Fact 2: I collect white rabbits. It is a small, carefully selected collection mind you. I am not all gaga over every white rabbit out there, but there is something about finding one and falling in love with it. My latest addition is a small white tea cup with a band of rabbits around it.
Fact 3: My imaginary friend growing up was a white Lion with green eyes. Funny that I ended up with green eyes. There was a whole menagerie of white animals, but the Lion was definitely my main "friend". I am not sure of where my obsession with white animals comes from but there has been a pattern since I was very young.
Fact 4: I wish I owned my own business. I have grand ideas for a yarn shop and yet I still work for the man. Like seriously... I work for the government and it blows. I even have the storefront picked out and dressed up in my mind.
Fact 5: For some reason, even though I was born and raised in New York by New Yorkers I spell some words the Canadian way. Colours... Cheques. Have no idea.
Fact 6: I play paintball. Anyone who knows me is aware of this and it is hardly random. But it is a passion. I get on that field and I am 100% myself. It is the only place that I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am there to shoot and be shot, battle and get my aggressions out. My blood starts pounding when I hear the sounds of the guns and there is no other feeling out there like it.
Fact 7: I am not as confident as I portray myself to be. I am always second guessing myself and my decisions. I constantly wonder what people are thinking and crave being accepted. But I won't change who I am. I think it stems from High School when no one liked me and the girl friends I had formed their cliques and abandoned me. I wasn't into fashion and boys. I preferred army coats, Gun magazines and grease under my nails. Oddly enough they were well maintained LI acrylic nails. The words and the rumors still sting to this day but looking back I never changed who I was to fit in.
Fact 8: I am poor. Like seriously... Broke ass Bitch here! Last year I made $500.00 less then what is considered poverty level. I should be in charge of the national debt the way I budget and stretch a penny. Yet I own (not in name but legally) my house, I bought a car last spring and I pay for Apple's dance every month. I am constantly going over numbers in my head. But day after day and month after month I make it work.
Fact 9: Fan girl, right here!!! Okay, maybe fan girl light. I become enthralled with a show or book and live and breath it. I am currently watching Dr Who and realize why people become infatuated. Past shows I have fanned... Eureka, Castle, Firefly, Voltron, Mythbusters and Lie to Me. Books? Fever Series and the Mercy Thompson and Alpha and Omega books. If I could really have one of these as my reality... it would be the Mercy books.
Fact 10: If my toenails are not painted I feel naked. It wasn't like this until I become pregnant with Bug and then I started getting pedicures. I never looked back. It is almost like I feel like less of a woman. I can be covered in mud and bruises, no make up, shaved head but if my toes are naked I feel weird.
Okay, truth be told I was supposed to do 20 facts but since I started it when Apple was at dance and I managed to delete half my facts and had to re due them... it is now 10pm and I am ready for bed. I shall close out my first day challenge and look forward to tomorrow's challenge.
Todays topic is 10 Random Facts about Me.
Here goes nothing.
Fact 1: I love lists.... I will write to do lists and follow them. I write shopping lists and Christmas cards lists. Lists for my bills each month and my cheque book is always balanced. They always have to be neat too. I think because in this day and age we don't handwrite things as much and it is a reminder that I am still human. It also puts order in my ever chaotic life.
Fact 2: I collect white rabbits. It is a small, carefully selected collection mind you. I am not all gaga over every white rabbit out there, but there is something about finding one and falling in love with it. My latest addition is a small white tea cup with a band of rabbits around it.
Fact 3: My imaginary friend growing up was a white Lion with green eyes. Funny that I ended up with green eyes. There was a whole menagerie of white animals, but the Lion was definitely my main "friend". I am not sure of where my obsession with white animals comes from but there has been a pattern since I was very young.
Fact 4: I wish I owned my own business. I have grand ideas for a yarn shop and yet I still work for the man. Like seriously... I work for the government and it blows. I even have the storefront picked out and dressed up in my mind.
Fact 5: For some reason, even though I was born and raised in New York by New Yorkers I spell some words the Canadian way. Colours... Cheques. Have no idea.
Fact 6: I play paintball. Anyone who knows me is aware of this and it is hardly random. But it is a passion. I get on that field and I am 100% myself. It is the only place that I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am there to shoot and be shot, battle and get my aggressions out. My blood starts pounding when I hear the sounds of the guns and there is no other feeling out there like it.
Fact 7: I am not as confident as I portray myself to be. I am always second guessing myself and my decisions. I constantly wonder what people are thinking and crave being accepted. But I won't change who I am. I think it stems from High School when no one liked me and the girl friends I had formed their cliques and abandoned me. I wasn't into fashion and boys. I preferred army coats, Gun magazines and grease under my nails. Oddly enough they were well maintained LI acrylic nails. The words and the rumors still sting to this day but looking back I never changed who I was to fit in.
Fact 8: I am poor. Like seriously... Broke ass Bitch here! Last year I made $500.00 less then what is considered poverty level. I should be in charge of the national debt the way I budget and stretch a penny. Yet I own (not in name but legally) my house, I bought a car last spring and I pay for Apple's dance every month. I am constantly going over numbers in my head. But day after day and month after month I make it work.
Fact 9: Fan girl, right here!!! Okay, maybe fan girl light. I become enthralled with a show or book and live and breath it. I am currently watching Dr Who and realize why people become infatuated. Past shows I have fanned... Eureka, Castle, Firefly, Voltron, Mythbusters and Lie to Me. Books? Fever Series and the Mercy Thompson and Alpha and Omega books. If I could really have one of these as my reality... it would be the Mercy books.
Fact 10: If my toenails are not painted I feel naked. It wasn't like this until I become pregnant with Bug and then I started getting pedicures. I never looked back. It is almost like I feel like less of a woman. I can be covered in mud and bruises, no make up, shaved head but if my toes are naked I feel weird.
Okay, truth be told I was supposed to do 20 facts but since I started it when Apple was at dance and I managed to delete half my facts and had to re due them... it is now 10pm and I am ready for bed. I shall close out my first day challenge and look forward to tomorrow's challenge.
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