Monday, January 16, 2017
August of 2014 was the last time I wrote. That seems like a lifetime ago and in a sense it was.
A lot has changed. My whole life has changed. My girls lives have changed. And a thought occurred to me the other day. My biggest critics.... those always coming down on me and trying to tell me how wrong I am. Those who were "right" and loved to talk shit about me. Their lives are still the same. So I'm going to continue to do what I do as it seems to be working out just fine for me and mine. Now to tell you a little about mine.
Last time I wrote I was a few months out of a relationship. Was a relationship that I have fond memories of and that ended. I knew it would. It was destined to from the start. Not gonna lie... the sex was good, the food was better and I learned a lot about people and myself. We both could have handled the breakup better. He the actual break up and I the aftermath. He had a friend. Someone whom cared about him and was helping him out. While Ex was living with this friend, Friend and I became friends. Mostly out of concern for Ex. The friendship shifted and we became friends in our loneliness and out self made promises to just stay away from people and dating. Then it hit me. I was falling in love. I back peddled and tried to stay away and I couldn't. Told myself he wasn't interested.. he told me he wasn't interested. We were both lying. He was sticking to the "Guy Code". Then it happened. After months of lying to ourselves, each other and everyone else, I kissed him. Like a tiny implosion the mortar cracked. Slowly the walls began to crumble around both our defenses. It took a long while but one day they fell completely. And that was the end and the beginning.
The middle of December marked a year since the girls and I moved in. In a few weeks we will celebrate one year being married and a few months after that the First birthday of our Tiny Human. And it all just fell into place. The girls are happy, He and I are happy and Tiny Human is a bundle of happy!
All this happy has had it's dark moments peppered in. After Tiny Human was born I couldn't breast feed. Her and I just couldn't get on the same page. She was hungry and I was broken and it broke me. I suffered PPD big time. Yet I didn't have to do it alone. Hubs was there with me and held me when I cried and talked me up when I was down. He didn't understand what was in my head but he understood what I needed. Just to be loved. Then there was the period of time I wasn't on my meds. That was a difficult time. I know it was for me but I think it was even harder for him. How do you comfort someone when they can't tell you what is wrong. Or even what emotion they are feeling! I can't even say I "believe" we can make it through anything. I KNOW we will. I have no doubts.
So why? Why now? Why this odd telling of history of the past few years? Short and yet maybe too informative. It will all fall into place. Over the next days and weeks, months and even years, the ideas, thoughts, worries and so on will all come out. I have sat and "written" so often in my head. It is time to let it all out. Welcome back.